Michael calls...

I've just finished watching a few of my shows, its midnight and for some reason I just don't wanna go to bed...even though I'd probably fall right asleep.
I suppose I just need to write. Today has some difficult moments.

I was at work and Michael called me. I could tell right away something was wrong. He told me hat his dad is really sick. I won't get into details because its his business. But, this is probably the worst possible news he could get, apart from something wrong with Justice, because he is so close to his dad. It broke my heart to hear that he was having to go through this. I offered him as much as I could give, compassion, and ear to listen, a shoulder to cry on (metaphorically of course), unfortunately I also got into a huge fight with him. I'm not going to get into all the details of it. Lets just say that something else was brought up that I didn't agree with. I could have waited a week or something to voice my disdain, but instead, because I can never hold things in, I voiced it. I so regret it now because he was in no way able to handle any issue with me, on the day he is worrying so much about his dad.

One of my flaws in relationships, with friends, at work, with family is my sense of pride. I hate admitting I am wrong. But I was wrong here. He needed me. He called me because I was, for some time, the one who he confided in. And he needed me to be there for him. Despite all the bull shit he's put me through, I still care about him and I want to be there for him. I wish that I could've just left it at that.

Unfortunately, I didn't. And we got into a huge fight. Unsurprisingly, he got very angry and defensive. Of course you would expect this from a guy who is grieving and is probably angry at the world...but his reaction was not just that of someone upset with life, it was the reaction he would make on any given day. I don't know how I will ever EVER be able to deal with him. When we are talking about good things or random things, we are fine...but the second there is an issue, it becomes this huge blow out fight. We can't just disagree and argue like normal people. Its like for normal people, lighting a fire with wood and a match...Michael and I, though, light our fire with a mix of wood, kerosene, propane, paper, twigs...and it just blows the F up! Every time, without fail. He gets me SO fired up in a way that NO ONE has ever been able to do. Yes, I had fights with my ex's. And yes, the got pretty bad sometimes, especially when alcohol was involved. But Michael gets me SO angry, that I feel completely out of control of my emotions. Of course, I was never pregnant with my ex's, so there's the hormone factor now.

Obviously, the best thing to do right now is to just not talk to him. Let him know how doctors appointments go, but other than that, leave it all alone. But what if he calls me again, about his dad...I feel like I need to be there for him. He thinks I don't care, because I got into this fight with him today. And I admit that I was not thinking about the fact that today was not the day to discuss our issues...I apologized for that. But in now way does that mean that I don't care. He has treated me like garbage, put me down so far and belittled me multiple times, yet still, I care. Still, I don't want to see him in pain. Still, in the back of my mind I WISH that he could change, and we could work things out, impossible as it may be.

At this very moment, I feel numb. You know how when people are in love, and they describe why they feel that way about their significant other, they say that they like who they are when they are with that person. "I am a better version of myself when I am with you." or "You bring out the best parts of me" Well, Michael brought out the worst in me. Maybe not always. But when we fought, I was not myself. I was out of control and completely lost in my emotions. Apart from being cheated on, and the pain that causes...no one has ever hurt me the way Michael has, with just words. No one has ever made me feel like lesser of a person, the way he has.

The way he is, the person he is, is a product of how he was raised. Yes, we all have issues brought on by outside influences, but the people we become are hugely attributed to the people raising us. I can't help but wonder what kind of influence Michael will be on my son, if he is involved. He could be a lot worse, that's true...but my son could also do a lot better.

Honestly, I don't know what's better. To let Michael, without a fight, be as much a part of our son's life as he makes the effort to be and hope that he is a better father than I think he currently is...or if I should fight to be in complete control and only slowly let Michael be a part, as I see fit, until I can tell that he will be a better influence. What is better for my son? I just don't know. Maybe, having him and actually being a mom will help me better decide...but I don't know.

I suppose for now I will continue to write out my feelings. I will do my best to keep my distance from Michael. I will live my life, and do as much as I can to make a happy life. And I will cross bridges as they come.

"I can almost see it
That dream I am dreaming
But there's a voice inside my head saying
"You'll never reach it"

Every step I'm taking
Every move I make feels
Lost with no direction
My faith is shaking

But I gotta keep trying
Gotta keep my head held high

There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be a uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose

Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb"