Clarity

This picture represents a time in my life where I was happy. Actually happy, and not in a relationship...It makes me sad that so many people go through life going from relationship to relationship, never taking time to get to know themselves and figuring out what makes them them. I may not have been in a relationship at all times in my life...but for the most part, when I wasn't in a relationship, I was spending the time being envious and jealous of those that were. And hoping that around every corner I would find someone. I didn't enjoy my time alone as much as I could have. Except for maybe 5 months, after Matt cheated on me. And I can probably say that the only reason I wasn't was because I spent 75% of my time with my best friend, Amber...and we were always partying, drinking..just having fun.
Yes, I spent that time enjoying my life...but having Amber there was kind of like having a boyfriend there. She was a very constant part of my life, and I spent the majority of my time with her.

I think its time that I actually try and find out who Samantha is. I want to find out what makes me tick, what makes me happy and what I want from my life...as an individual...and as a mommy. Yes, I think I owe it to myself to do this, to reflect and enjoy my life. But more than that, I owe it to my son to be happy. With myself and with my life, so I can give him a good life. Also, so that I can count on me and only me to make the happiness happen. That's the problem with not being truly happy with yourself...you spend your life trying to find someone, whether it be a friend or a boyfriend to make you happy. And that's not good, I've been doing that for way too long. And if for nothing else than to make sure my son has a good mom and a good life, I am going to make myself happy. Because how else will I make him happy?

With that being said. I am sad. I know what I need to do. I know what I deserve. But that doesn't just diminish the pain completely, ya know? It still hurts. I have a love for Michael, that I don't quite understand. I don't want him. But it hurts that I won't have him. Doesn't really make sense. But there it is. I have to reiterate it to myself everyday. Reiterate that I deserve better than him, that I might love him, but I'm not IN love with...not the way I deserve to be some day.

Anyway...I have a lot more going on in my head. But I'll save that for another day. :) God bless!