26 weeks today

I wish I could start this blog out on a brighter note. But my writing usually comes out most when I'm upset about something. Aren't most poets suffering in some way? (From tragedy, comes brilliance)
Actually I did have another blog entry that I wrote a couple weeks ago...I hadn't posted it yet though. Good thing I suppose, because things changed.

I guess this first entry should be somewhat of a summary on why I've started a blog and where Im at in life...so I'll start with that.

If you're ready this blog, then you probably have a pretty good idea. But here's a little recap:
After moving back to Arizona, at 23yrs old, leaving my family behind in Alabama (where we'd only lived for 5 months) and finally beginning my life as an adult, I felt as though I was beginning the next "chapter" of my life. Little did I know, it was really the prologue to the next book, in the series of my life.

I spent about 7 months partying and having a blast with my friends, being wild and carefree. And then I met him. My world changed instantly, and I didn't even know it at the time. Michael had a son, Justice, who he has custody of. And I immediately fell in love with Justice...maybe even before I fell in love with Michael. After only 3 months of dating, we found out I was pregnant...which wasn't exactly great news, since we were pretty up and down in our relationship.
(I really hated that, I have looked forward to being a mom my entire life, and always thought I would do it the right way, getting married first and all that. And I wanted it to be an amazing, wonderful thing when I got to tell my husband we were having a baby...but unfortunately, life doesn't always work out the way you hope for)

Despite our differences, we tried to make it work. We loved each other, and wanted to start a family.
To make a long story short, we tried...broke up for a month and a half (when I decided to move back to AL to have the support of my family) and then got back together and chose to try and make it work, even though I was going to be in AL for awhile. We planned for him to come down when the baby was born, and then for me to move back after a few months, when we would get a house and start a family with Justice and our new baby boy. After me being here (In AL) for 2 weeks, it all fell apart...

Im not sure I can pin-point exactly why we couldn't make it work. I could go on about how he just doesn't treat me the way a woman deserves to be treated by the man who loves her...at all times. Just because we're fighting doesn't give you the right to belittle me and treat me like a lesser person. I could say that my trust issues were a big issue, and I couldn't even tell you if its because I've been hurt so many times or if I just have really good instincts and it felt like something was up. I could say its because this happened to early on in our relationship and there we just too many stressors...But I guess there really isn't a reason to pin-point anything, because the truth is, we just couldn't make it work.

It hurts. A lot. Some days I feel so broken down and defeated. I feel like throwing myself a pity party. I get angry, because I don't understand why it had to be like this. Why I have to go through my pregnancy without the father. Or why I had to move across the country from all my friends. I feel so alone. Some days I feel better. I feel optimistic. I do look forward to meeting my son. I already know how ridiculously I will love him. I want everything for him. I just want to be happy, so I can make him happy. I want him to have a happy mommy and a happy life.

I promise more of my entries will be less like this one...I will write about the wonderful aspects of my life, like how much I love to feel my baby boy kick me. I feel like we're so connected. He can sense that his mommy is upset, and he starts kicking me, as if to say "Mommy, Im in here, and I love you more than anyone else in the whole world, so smile. Everything will be ok."

I suppose I'll end this post now, before it gets to be too outrageously long. I think Im also going to end them all on a positive note, no matter what mood Im in, with an inspiring quote or bible verse.

"He who has a why to live can bear almost any how" -Friedrich Nietzsche