Mother's Day...a turning point

It's Mother's Day. The first time I will have people tell me "Happy Mother's Day" and it's still so surreal. Yes, I am a mother; I have a baby, he's just currently inside the womb and very easy to take care of :)
I did get quite a bit of messages from people saying Happy Mother's Day :) Even from someone unexpected, Michael. He probably sent it out in a mass text, but still. It was nice of him to say it.

Today was a day of realizations...well, actually this weekend was. Thanks to Krystal and the Lord.
Saturday I was talking to Krystal, I told her I was sad. I was sad because I think about Michael and I miss him. I see or hear something and it reminds me of him, and I get wistful...wishing things were different. I also found out he has a new girlfriend already...three weeks after we broke up. Which hurts. I feel like he doesn't care about me if he can so easily move on and it completely cuts any hope I had that we might someday find a way to make things work. But here's the thing, I had conflicting feelings...and thats what was so hard. I missed him. I wished we could make it work. But, I also knew that I didn't want to be with him. I know that I want more for myself than he can give...
I was listening to "Teardrops.." by Taylor Swift and there's a line in it that says "She's got everything that I have to live without" She's talking about the girl who is with the guy she loves. Hearing that song made me sad, but I don't think this girl is lucky to have Michael. I don't envy her. I don't think he's this AMAZING, wonderful guy. Instead of being sad that she gets to have him, I'm just sad that he's moved on, sad that he doesn't want me, sad that my dream of having a family with the father of my child is gone. And Krystal helped me realize that. It isn't Michael I miss. It's the idea of Michael and what he represents for me. He's the father of my first child and he represents family to me. I grew up dreaming of getting married to my soul mate and then having kids and raising them together. Just like my parents did. But I didn't get that...and it devastates me that I didn't. And without that tiny thought of Michael and I ending up together in the back of my mind, then that dream is gone. I realized that I am not sad about not being with him, as an individual. I am sad about not being with the father of my child. But, the reality of that is, I'm not going to be...and I want more for myself than who the father of my child is. And when it comes down to it, we just do not work with each other. So know what I have to do is accept that fact. I am not going to be with my son's father. We aren't going to have what I always dreamed of. But does that mean that I can't create new dreams to aspire to? The only person I have to blame for not getting my original dream is myself. I chose to have sex with someone I wasn't married to, to someone I wasn't head over heels in love with. I got myself into this situation. But my new dream is to create a life for my son and I, a life of happiness and faith and love. I will find that person to be a family with some day, or even better, he will find me. Because I won't be looking in the wrong places this time, I won't be making decisions based on lust. I am going to do everything I can to create this new dream for my son and I.

That leads me to my second realization, which will help me to achieve my dreams. That is renewing my commitment to the Lord. I grew up by faith and lived with it in the first 13 years of my life and I need that again. I've spent so much time lost and hurt. I've been trying to control of every aspect of my life and dwelling on the things I can't control. But I know that by turning the reigns to my life over to God, that he will help me give up control and let him lead. I will accept the things I cannot change. And he will give me the courage to change the things I can. For example, the thing with Michael. I cannot change the fact that he is the father of my child, and I cannot change the fact that we do not work well together. But what I can go is change how I am handling it. Instead of pitying myself and dwelling on something that is out of my control, I can accept it and move on. I can set myself on a path to make the best of the situation.
My parents and I went to church today, and I am so glad we did. The three of us, together, made the commitment today to be more active in church. It is also very important to me for my son to be raised by the faith of the Lord. The Pastor today asked if there were any of us that were committing or recommitting ourselves to the Lord. He asked, while we had our eyes closed and our heads bowed, to raise our hands. Then he asked us all to repeat a silent prayer to the Lord with him. A prayer asking God to take the reigns. Telling him that we want to surrender control to him. (I can't remember exactly but it was exactly what I needed to tell my Lord) And as I, in my head, repeated these words to God, my eyes filled up with tears because there was so much truth in the words. I haven't be living my life the way God wanted me to, and I haven't put my faith in him and I am beyond ready to do that.
I left the service this morning with so much faith and understanding in my heart. I realized I need to forgive the people that have done me wrong and move forward and stop blaming them for the pain, and just let it go. I feels good. And I am so looking forward to a life by faith.

I hope everyone had a wonderful Mother's Day. Mine was the best I've had in a long time. :) Two and half months until I truly know the joy of being a mom :)